Healer

Writing…. is such a new experience for me. I feel like I write like a talk. Pastor Jeff asked me today when I was going to preach. The thought of that freaks me out. I was sharing this with Abraham today over lunch. He kind of laughed at me but I told him that I was like Moses. I imagined he was a lot like me when it came to speaking. He described the way he talked as being slow of speech. So of coursed I used that excuse and I said that there is a reason why I sing and not speak. But I wasn’t expecting the answer Abraham gave me. He said “ I believe God asks of you what you think you can’t do on your own so that you rely on him even more than you would doing something your comfortable with”. I didn’t like that answer. And yet I’m living that out. I’m doing something right now that I never thought I would be doing. When I was little I never wanted to be in front of people ever. I would throw the worst fit when my mom would make us girl’s sing in churches. I would be scared to death but I was more scared of Mom. So we girls would sing and I would get off stage and be so relieved that it was over. And now being a worship leader at a church and helping lead worship in other churches and still singing when mom tells me to is something I never would have dreamt of doing in a million years. But I can’t imagine doing anything else in my life right now. I just don’t feel the “Call” to preach. I have no desire to do that. I don’t like it when people say just because you’re in ministry that you should be doing other things that you really have no desire to do in the first place. But on the other hand I love talking to my band about what it means to be a worship leader. I enjoy teaching my youth how to live connected with Christ in these early years of their life. But preaching………………that’s not me.

Is this wasted time?

I never thought I would be at this stage in my life. It felt like i was never going to grow up and create the life I wanted. But does anyone know the life they want? As I ate sushi at one of my favorite resaurants here in MI, Alli and I discused this stage of our lives. I don't feel like i'm making a difference. I feel like I've been one of those transition people that are great until you get the person you really want. I led worship at one of our other churches this last week. It was fun i really enjoyed it. But, the whole time I was thinking about what the pastors were really wanting. Am I what they really wanted. Who knows I never see or talk to them. I'm realizing more and more each day that I need people around me. Not people who want to just talk about church stuff. Sometimes I don't want to talk about anything important. Sometimes I long for someone to say Holly how are you? and then stick around for the true answer. It's dangerous for a persons whos love language is quality time to be left alone. I hate being alone and hate feeling that the two years I have lived here is just wasted time. Am I going to be another Sara. When I leave are people going to care. Not just for what I do but who I am?

Someone asked me the other day "What do you do for fun?"...I really had to think about it for a second. I can't remember the last time i went out and did something just for the fun of it. Here are the things I call fun. Goding and seeing a great local band...Creating whether that's taking pictures (which i miss more than anything), Painting (which I'm not good at yet but it's still fun), Singing with other people. Making music that isn't for church. This is the kind of stuff I want to get back to doing. I hate it when life is so busy and you realize you've become a human-doer and not a human-being. I want to be who God has created me to be. He created us to create. I believe that with all my heart. So here are a few pictures that i took recently that has inspired me to keep going further.

Stop This Train

I can't stop listening to this song. It's exactly where I am in life right now. If only I could stop this train or at least slow it down just a little bit....